Mommy Dearest

I hate that you had to leave me when I was still yet at the top of my teenage years.  It has been almost seven years since you’ve been gone, but the pain still hit me as hard as it was the very first time.  It was hard for me to accept that I have lost you physically, because I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t readied enough or strong enough to let you go.

I can still remember your sweet kisses and warm embrace, the way you hugged me tight, which did not change from the time I was a child up to my last days with you, which makes me long for you more.  That, during my college days spent away from you, you used to call me and asked me what food I want when I get home, am I eating healthy food, am I doing my best at school and if there is anything that I wanted.  I never realized that it was going to be very soon, and I have been regretting the times I had not spent with you, the times that I should have been with you.  Because I didn’t know how hard you were fighting for your life, that every time I talked to you, you seemed to be doing well and all so cheery as if it was your usual self, and it was only until then that I realized you thought me of first, as always, you didn’t want to give worries to your “spoiled little princess.”  

I was not able to talk to you during your last days because it was too late when they told me about your worsening condition in the hospital.  I thought it was just your usual “regaining strength three-day confinement”, but when they fetched me at the apartment in the wee hours of morning, I knew right there and then, something was happening.  By the time I got there, I didn’t stop talking to you except for the time I went home to cry and cry.  I knew you heard me and you understood every word I said, even if I still have many words left unsaid, I tried.  I cradled you into my arms until you last breath, because that was the best that I could do, and the most painful moment in my life, that I have finally have to let you go.

I have never imagined my life living without you, leaving me in the care of all the boys in the house, leaving me with so much responsibilities that I wasn’t brave enough to face.  I have begun to think and act at a more matured manner, to think of things that not a normal 18-year-old girl does.  I certainly went through a lot.  I have to become strong to hide my fears and insecurities, but sometimes, I have too much to handle that all I want to do is run to you and cry myself out because I know only you could make me feel better, because there was only one you.  I wish I could have spent more time with you.

I miss you so much that whenever I see mother-and-daughter bonding together, I wonder how we would look like if those were us, now that I have grown.  I miss the times we used to go out by ourselves and had fun shopping and eating together, not to mention you always get me what I want because you always tell me your “princess” deserves nothing but the best, but what I miss the most are the times I used to sleep beside you, because your soft hands caressing through my hair is a sure way to make me sleep, I guess that’s what you call “mother’s touch.”

I really wish you are here now, so maybe I would stop thinking bad about myself and start feeling good instead, I know you can ease away my resentment and sentiments in life.  That’s what you do best, you always find good in us – your children, even though how bad it seems.  But then again, I know you’re not coming back, but I know somewhere out there, you’re just there listening to me, and who knows, maybe right now you’re blowing kisses and whispers to my ears…  I know I will see you again someday… and you are always in my heart, Mommy dearest…

Mother and Daughter Painting By Romantic Artist Cheryl Oter

A Take on Love

Love is a struggle – a sweet struggle to keep the relationship working at its best despite of the flaws.  There is no such thing as a perfect love story.  Because behind every relationship, there will always be something that will rock your make-believe world of fairy tale even though how small or how big it is, be it a tiny misunderstanding or a huge row, both of whom must learn how to listen, to accept and eventually to forgive.  This is a continuous battle that both persons must conquer in order to win.  This is not a thing that can be measured, because it does not matter who loves the most or who loves the less, but rather, how much are you willing to give up and how far can you go to may it work for the best of both persons.

Love must never be abusive.  There is a thin line between love and hate, and really, if you can work it out, do not cross that line.  Surely it can hurt you the most, but that’s when you know it’s real.  Always keep the faith, the trust.  They go along hand in hand with love.  They are the elixirs to keep on believing and fighting.

Love, when it’s true, gives you complete surrender, unquestionable sacrifice, yet you do not regret any of it, but instead, you work hard to give your very best and keep it burning.  Life becomes more meaningful.  It defines you, gives you purpose and becomes your reason for breathing.  Because when you learn how to love, you learn how to live. 

Of Periods and Gluttony

Being a girl, there comes a time in our lives – I mean every month, that we go through this one stage of womanhood, that is, having our “periods” (for the regulars, of course, it’s once a month).  A lot of men didn’t know what we are going through when we are having these “days”.  So lucky are the girls who have guys who completely understand and feel for us while we have no choice but to go through it.  Take for example Ryan.

One time, I was having my period, and I was so hot-tempered and couldn’t set straight what I really want to eat.  I am at home the whole day because I am suffering from a bad case of dysmenorrhea.  Even though I have been complaining all day, Ryan was just patient. I told him I wanted to eat something but I could not figure out what it was.  He really wanted to cheer me up.  To my surprise, Ryan did buy all my favorite foods, or the usual foods that we buy whenever we are in Angono and hauled all that stuff to our dining table – Pao-Tsin shark’s fin with hainanese rice and buko pandan drinks, Zagu’s cookies and cream, Dunkin Donut’s munchkins and strawberry filled and boston kreme donuts and BCT bunwich, Ruffles, Hello Panda (yellow one), Oishi potato chips (yellow one), Lapid’s chicharon, Red Ribbon’s cinnamon roll, Jollibee’s hot fudge sundae and French fries with mayo, 1.5 L ice-cold Coca-cola.  He told me that since I cannot decide what I have been really craving for, he might as well bring the foods that I might have wanted but cannot think of.  Instantly, my mouth salivated, but I am not in capacity to eat all of those, of course I did share. :) I might have succumbed to gluttony on that day, but the hell I care.  It’s not that often that a guy shows up in front of your house and does this kind of thing.  I’m the kind of girl who loves to eat, it’s just a good thing that I have a fast metabolism. :) So who says you can’t feel good when you’re having your periods?  Eat me.

Kidding aside, Ryan does bring me food from time to time.  Sometimes he would just appear in my place at idle hours just to bring me something – be it McDonald’s one-piece chicken (that was the latest, when he showed up during lunch time while I was still working and I almost had a heart attack when he suddenly peeped into my room) or cheeseburger meal(which he left in my room while I was away along with a glass from McDo and a note on top) or Float, a slice of pizza, a box of Oreo and Twix (which was  given to me a decade ago and I still have the boxes), a dozen donuts, or my favorite, Starbucks caramel frappe, a slice of blueberry cheesecake, cinnamon swirl and/or Belgian waffle with caramel topping, that guy really does know that a good way to Bubbles’ heart is through her stomach.

So every time I am having those days, I know I don’t have to sulk that much, because Ryan is always there with his endless tricks to boost me up.

*Image from: http://www.dipity.com/tickr/Flickr_belgian_waffle/list