Mommy Dearest

I hate that you had to leave me when I was still yet at the top of my teenage years.  It has been almost seven years since you’ve been gone, but the pain still hit me as hard as it was the very first time.  It was hard for me to accept that I have lost you physically, because I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t readied enough or strong enough to let you go.

I can still remember your sweet kisses and warm embrace, the way you hugged me tight, which did not change from the time I was a child up to my last days with you, which makes me long for you more.  That, during my college days spent away from you, you used to call me and asked me what food I want when I get home, am I eating healthy food, am I doing my best at school and if there is anything that I wanted.  I never realized that it was going to be very soon, and I have been regretting the times I had not spent with you, the times that I should have been with you.  Because I didn’t know how hard you were fighting for your life, that every time I talked to you, you seemed to be doing well and all so cheery as if it was your usual self, and it was only until then that I realized you thought me of first, as always, you didn’t want to give worries to your “spoiled little princess.”  

I was not able to talk to you during your last days because it was too late when they told me about your worsening condition in the hospital.  I thought it was just your usual “regaining strength three-day confinement”, but when they fetched me at the apartment in the wee hours of morning, I knew right there and then, something was happening.  By the time I got there, I didn’t stop talking to you except for the time I went home to cry and cry.  I knew you heard me and you understood every word I said, even if I still have many words left unsaid, I tried.  I cradled you into my arms until you last breath, because that was the best that I could do, and the most painful moment in my life, that I have finally have to let you go.

I have never imagined my life living without you, leaving me in the care of all the boys in the house, leaving me with so much responsibilities that I wasn’t brave enough to face.  I have begun to think and act at a more matured manner, to think of things that not a normal 18-year-old girl does.  I certainly went through a lot.  I have to become strong to hide my fears and insecurities, but sometimes, I have too much to handle that all I want to do is run to you and cry myself out because I know only you could make me feel better, because there was only one you.  I wish I could have spent more time with you.

I miss you so much that whenever I see mother-and-daughter bonding together, I wonder how we would look like if those were us, now that I have grown.  I miss the times we used to go out by ourselves and had fun shopping and eating together, not to mention you always get me what I want because you always tell me your “princess” deserves nothing but the best, but what I miss the most are the times I used to sleep beside you, because your soft hands caressing through my hair is a sure way to make me sleep, I guess that’s what you call “mother’s touch.”

I really wish you are here now, so maybe I would stop thinking bad about myself and start feeling good instead, I know you can ease away my resentment and sentiments in life.  That’s what you do best, you always find good in us – your children, even though how bad it seems.  But then again, I know you’re not coming back, but I know somewhere out there, you’re just there listening to me, and who knows, maybe right now you’re blowing kisses and whispers to my ears…  I know I will see you again someday… and you are always in my heart, Mommy dearest…

Mother and Daughter Painting By Romantic Artist Cheryl Oter